Don't say a word- listen!

When you feel so afraid and so insecure you don’t need someone to understand- you need someone to listen! One of the greatest cures fighting panic attacks so far. The thoughts that run through your mind while being under the pressure of panic doesn’t always make sense and you feel trapped. It makes the world somehow collapse on you, swallow you, chew you and spit you out and that’s how you feel- spit out.

Panic attacks makes you feel like you are not normal, like there is something awfully wrong with you. And you don’t understand why it happens… That’s why I don’t think it helps that someone understands it – there is nothing to understand because there is nothing wrong with you! These feelings simply makes you freak out, but indeed that is natural. That’s why a friend who simply listens while you pull this rock off of your heart and mind is a gift. Yesterday my best friend forced me to talk about it I didn’t want to because it just seemed so stupid and silly, bet even a little bit of talking to someone makes it better and knowing that this person will think no less of you is almost a miracle and best way to beat fear. I slept like a baby! I was happy all day- smiling and talking like I used to. I even start to believe that there is nothing wrong with me. After a week- long not-sleeping and constant fear and uneasy feelings, believe me, it rocked my world!:)

Scare yourself

Day 2

To overcome my fear I have to realize that it comes straight from me. This exercise is to let fear be. It can’t get any worse so that you simply need to scare yourself and want to scare yourself to overcome the fear of being afraid. To accept that there is nothing wrong with you while being under a constant fear (and not quite sure of what) is harder than you think. I feel like I need a help- a doctor, some sort of medicine, yet I don’t want to tell anyone of it. I can’t bear the thought of NOT being NORMAL for more people. I can’t accept myself, why should anyone else. Suddenly all my beliefs of independence and that I are a remarkable person is down the toilet. And my world starts to spin; it is like I don’t know where to put myself.

What this exercise intend to do is: fear until there is nothing to fear. To be honest it is true what they say that it can’t become worse. It is always the same- the same old feelings- nothing new. But still it is not easy- you need a lot of practice. And all I have to do is to fight, to not let myself get in my way. I have to take control of my life.

Panick attacks

I’ve been hunted. And yes, it is all you can imagine- ghosts, demons, giant trolls, monsters even vampires if you like, they all hunt me. There are demons in this world, ghosts from pasts, weird creatures creeping upon our backs indeed everything we used and still read in fiction. These ‘things’ wait for you in bushes and dark sidewalk. That’s what parents say to their kids to scare them, keep them away from danger. And when we are kids we believe in this- we believe that there is a ghost or someone waiting for us around the corner. And it’s all true.

Only when we grew up we finely get to know that these bushes and sidewalks is part of your mind that we all carry our personal demons and ghosts and monsters. Only they have different names- fear, guilt, regret, rejection and others. We create them all and only we can fight them.

So like I said- I’ve been hunted. So my demon has the face of fear. I am afraid of being afraid. I know- I know how ridiculous that might sound and trust me when I say it is not easy to believe that myself, but let me explain. I have panic attacks. It sounds so fiction yet is not uncommon for many of us. And when panic straights we truly feel hunted.

Never underestimate the power of fear and guilt. Fear is paralyzing. It kind a freeze all your limbs and leaves mind in state where you can only watch and be fully aware of everything yet do nothing about it. It does more damage to your psyche than we are aware of.

I’ve been hunted for years. It started a long time a ago, and even if that dark period of my life is over there uncontrollable feelings like a boomerang comes around. But today I want to catch the boomerang and throw it back. I no longer want to feel tired because I am tired of running and hiding.

So I want to write what it takes to come from a pray to the hunter.